1. Did you hear about the tree’s birthday?
It was a sappy one!
2. I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months,
I was finally born!
3. What do you get a hunter for his birthday?
A birthday pheasant
4. Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!
5. What does a clam do on his birthday?
6. What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
7. What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
8. What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.
9. Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him
10. It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies.
That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
11. I was born to be a pessimist.
My blood type is B Negative.
12. When I was born I was so surprised.
I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
13. Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
14. You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
15. Wine improves with age.
We improve with wine.
16. What do you say to your goldfish on his birthday?
Have a fin-tastic day.
17. When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
When you slice it.
18. Why did the birthday cake visit the psychologist?
Because it was feeling crumby.
19. What did the teddy bear say when it was offered some birthday cake?
No thanks, I’m stuffed.
20. Older women to her friend about remarrying.
“When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to dropout of college.”
21. What kind of birthday cake do you get for a coffee lover?
22. Doctor, doctor—why do I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake?
Try taking the candles off.
23. How did Moby Dick celebrate his birthday?
He had a whale of a time.
24. What does a cat like to eat on his birthday?
Mice cream and cake.
25. What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
Angel food cake.
26. How do pickles celebrate their birthdays?
They relish the moment.
27. What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
28. Where do you get a birthday present for your cat?
From a cat-alogue.
29. What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They were all born on holidays.
30. What did the bald guy say when he was given a comb for his birthday?
Thanks, I’ll never part with it.
31. What’s the best way to get a man to remember your anniversary?
Get married on his birthday.
32. “Were any famous men born on your birthday?”
“No, only little babies.”
33. What did the witch do on her birthday?
34. What did the elephant want for his birthday?
A trunk full of gifts.
35. A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
37. Where do you find a birthday present for a cat?
In a cat-alogue!
38. Why are birthday’s good for you?
Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest!
39. If you feel a bit lonely, forgotten, or just need someone to cheer you up remember.
You can always change your birthday on Facebook!
40. The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
41. It’s easier to remember your age if you don’t change it every year.
42. I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
43. Today is your birthday, so congratulate yourself, especially if you’re still young enough to remember it.
44. The older you get, the more you need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
45. What goes up and never comes down?
46. Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
47. What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
48. Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
49. Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”