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1. Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you.
That’s the punch line.
2. Why don’t crabs give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish.
3. “I’m afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.”
4. Why is it a bad idea to iron your four-leaf clover?
Cause you shouldn’t press your luck.
5. Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex?
Because they were watch dogs.
6. “My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape.
That would be a big step forward.”
7. I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I’ll let you know.
8. What did the evil chicken lay?
Deviled eggs.
9. “Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?”
“In case they get a hole in one!”
10. I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.
That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
11. What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament?
Live stream.
12. “Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it’s a soap opera.”
13. My wife said I was immature. So I told her to get out of my fort.
14. My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean.
I don’t know why she’s mad at me.
15. “What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?”
“They’re both Paris sites.”
16. I didn’t want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
17. Why is grass so dangerous?
Because it’s full of blades.
18. “What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?”
“Sophisticated.”
19. I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in.
20. How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
You will see one later and one in a while.
21. “How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?”
“You follow the fresh prints.”
22. What rock group has four men that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
23. What do you call a dog that can do magic?
A Labracabrador.
24. “If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?”
“Pilgrims.”
25. When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out, identity theft is a crime.
26. Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re so good at it.
27. “I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes.
Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.”
28. A guy goes to his doctor because he can see into the future. The doctor asks him, “How long have you suffered from that condition?”
The guy tells him, “Since next Monday.”
29. What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.
30. “What do you call a factory that makes okay products?”
“A satisfactory.”
31. What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast!
32. What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer?
100 sows and bucks.
33. “What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?”
“Supplies!”
34. What concert costs just 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback!
35. Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work.
36. “Have you heard about the chocolate record player?
It sounds pretty sweet.”
37. What do you call a mac ‘n’ cheese that gets all up in your face?
Too close for comfort food!
38. What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
39. “What did the ocean say to the beach?”
“Nothing, it just waved.”
40. Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself?
It was two tired!
41. What do you call a fish with no eye?
A fsh.
42. “Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?”
“Because if they flew over the bay, we’d call them bagels.”
43. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere!
44. What do you call a lazy kangaroo?
Pouch potato.
45. “How does the moon cut his hair?”
“Eclipse it.”
46. What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire!
47. I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today.
Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink.
48. “What did one wall say to the other?”
“I’ll meet you at the corner.”
49. What happens when you go to the bathroom in France?
European.
50. Why do melons have weddings?
Because they cantaloupe.
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