1. Funny jokes from daily life – A shot
-Doc, isn’t it harmful to drink a shot before eating?
-No it’s not, if you don’t eat too often…
2. The definition of a perfectionist: someone who wants to go from point A to point A+. -David Bez
3. “I make mistakes; I’ll be the second to admit it.” -Jean Kerr, author
4. Bouncer: “Sorry, I need to see an ID.” Girl: “I told you I’m 30. Why would anyone lie about that?”
5. I approximated the Black Friday experience at home by hurling myself into a wall a number of times and then ordering online. -Kumalo Nandini, comedian
6. People say, “I’m taking it one day at a time.” You know what? So is everybody. That’s how time works. -Hannibal Buress, comedian
7. Therapist: I’ve concluded that you are incapable of describing your feelings. Patient: I can’t say that I am surprised!
8. To the guy who stole my antidepressants: I hope you’re happy now.
9. I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.
10. What do you get when you combine an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering the true meaning of Dog.
11. Did you hear about the two psychiatrists who passed each other on a walk?
One said to the other, “You’re fine, How am I?”
12. I have all of Marie Kondo’s books. Now I just need a way to organize them.
13. The cable repairman was on my street and asked me what time it was. I told him it is between 8 am and 1 pm.
14. “I gave up jogging for health reasons. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.” -Judy Francona
15. What do you call someone who can’t stick with a diet?
16. “I would like vitamins for my son,” a mother said. “Vitamin A, B or C?”
the pharmacist asked. “It doesn’t matter,” the mother replied. “He can’t read yet.”
17. If you understand English, press 1. If you do not understand English, press 2. Recording on an Australian tax help line
18. I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish. Steven Wright
19. Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!”
20. If growing up in the ’80s taught me one thing, it’s that my friends and I should have found a treasure map by now.
21. Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears, you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this, now?”
22. Every Scobey-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.
23. One of my friends is pregnant. And I’m really excited. Not for the baby but because she’s one of my skinniest friends.
24. Don’t get upset if I ask you where something is in Target when you choose to wear a red shirt and khakis to shop. -Humorist Reid Kerr
25. Funny jokes from daily life – Glasses
– Doc, I think I need to wear glasses
– Indeed you have to, you are in a bank.
26. Funny jokes from daily life – Stupid
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid.
I really thought you already knew it.
27. Funny jokes from daily life- Teeth VS Tongue
Teeth says to tongue: if I just press a little, you’ll get cut.
Tongue replies: if i misuse a single word, all 32 of you will come out.
28. Funny jokes from daily life -Compliment
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment about their mustache, and suddenly she is not your friend anymore…
29. Funny jokes from daily life – Vacation
– Where are you going for vacation this year?
– I checked my budget and decided that I didn’t get tired.
30. Funny jokes from daily life – Driving
Man returning with his wife from guests. Drunk man drives car better than his sober wife. But there is only one problem, how to explain that to the policeman?
31. Funny jokes from daily life -fat
It’s not the dress that makes you look fat. It’s the fat.
32. Funny jokes from daily life: Does laugh prolong life?
– Is it true that 5 minutes of laugh prolongs your life by 5 minutes?
– It depends who you are laughing at – it may as well shorten it.
33. Funny jokes from daily life – A high fives
You know what I was thinking about right now? What it would be like to have six
fingers….high fives would be different.
34. Funny jokes from daily life – Debtor
The best way to make somebody remember you is to borrow money from them.
35. Funny jokes from daily life – Folk
Our folk not only knows how to read between the lines but also how to
leave a record between the eyes.
36. Funny jokes from daily life – A false image
I may look calm, but in my mind I have killed you three times already.
37. Funny jokes from daily life – At the shop
– Can I help you?
– No. I just waited in the line for 30 minutes to say Hi.
38. Funny jokes from daily life – Riches
Yes, money cannot buy happiness, but it is much more comfortable to cry in a new
BMW than on a bike.
39. Funny jokes from daily life – Assurance
I never make the same mistake twice. I make it 5-6 times, just to be sure.
40. Funny jokes from daily life – Claustrophobia
– What is Claustrophobia?
– This is a fear of closed space. For example, you go to a store for a beer and are afraid that it will be closed.
41. Funny jokes from daily life – Yard
How many feet are in the yard?
That depends on how many people are standing in it.
42. Funny jokes from daily life – A pray
What does the salad say before dinner? “Lettuce pray”
43. Funny jokes from daily life – Bacon
Why did the pig go into the kitchen?…because he felt like bacon!
44. Funny daily life joke – pray
What is the difference between people, who pray in a church compared to those, who pray in the casino?
The ones in the casino do it more sincerely.
45. Funny daily life joke – pray
– Boy, do you pray before you eat?
– No, why should I – my mom is a good cook.
46. There is nothing more awkward than the moment you realize you’re getting a double-cheek kiss.
47. To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m turning my house into an Italian restaurant.
48. Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings?
It’s hardly ever for them. Harry Hill
49. The closest I’ve been to a diet this year is erasing food searches from my browser history.