1. So I put my dog on a vegan diet
Don’t worry, I only feed him the finest vegans I can find
2. Why go to the paint store when you’re on a diet?
You can get thinner there.
3. Went on a site claiming to offer the best diet programme…
The first thing it asked me is if I accept cookies!
4. Why shouldn’t you fall in love with a pastry chef?
He’ll dessert you.
5. I’m on a whiskey diet.
I’ve lost three days already.
6. I tell people I’m on a low-carb diet. But in reality, I just eat pasta while lying on the floor.
7. Easily lose weight by cutting these two things out of your diet:
Breakfast and dinner.
My dad told me this joke please laugh.
8. I think about dieting sometimes…
It takes a lot of weight off my mind.
9. Why did the diet coach send her clients to the paint store?
She heard you could get thinner there.
10. Most people gain weight by having intimate dinners for two…alone.
-“Laugh Yourself Healthy,” by Charles Hunter
11. I keep trying to lose weight but it keeps finding me.
12. My fitness goal is to get down to what I told the DMV I weigh.
13. I have fillings in my teeth. My refrigerator magnets keep pulling me to the kitchen. That’s why I can’t lose weight.
14. Definition of Calories: Tiny creatures colonizing your closet. They sew your clothes a little bit tighter every night.
15. Hey, Lady! Want to drop 5 pounds? Let go of the purse.
16. Did you hear about the hungry clock? He went back four seconds.
17. Wouldn’t it be so great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 minutes and come out wrinkle free and three sizes smaller?
18. What do you get when you put the right amount of meat and vegetables on a scale?
A balanced meal.
19. I’m not fat, but I’m not thin either. I’m at a point where you can definitely tell I like chocolate cake.
18. What do you call the king of vegetables?
19. There is only one diet I can recommend while pregnant.
The body builder diet
20. have you ever heard of the garlic and onions diet?
you eat garlic and onions only for a week, you don’t get much thinner but people will stay far away from you so you seem smaller.
21. I don’t mean to brag but I finished my 14 day diet
…in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
22. I heard Bruce Willis is trying to lose weight. Apparently, he’s trying to “Diet Hard.”
23. What does the Mandalorian say after he starts a new diet to gain more muscle?
This is the whey.
24. The doctor said I need to reduce the amount of protein in my diet.
I have to change the way I Meating’
25. My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet…
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!
26. Today is the anniversary of the Diet of Worms
Another weight loss fad
27. I’m on the miracle diet
If I lose any weight , it’s a miracle.
28. I put my Dobermans on a vegan diet and I’m worried about their nutrition.
Between the five of them, they’re getting through a vegan a week – am I overfeeding them?
29. I recently started an all vegetarian diet
The hardest part is catching them.
30. My brain said “crunches” but my stomach auto-corrected it to “cupcakes.”
31. Why are most horses in shape? Because they are on a stable diet.
32. I have removed all the food from the house. It was delicious
33. What do you call someone who can’t stick with a diet?
34. I finally heard some good news. I’m not overweight. I’m undertall. What a relief!
35. Great white shark diet surprises scientists
“It consists mostly of wildlife biologists that study sharks,” said a famous wildife biologist studying sharks.
36. Trail mix is just an inconvenient way to eat M&Ms.
37. Diet tip: Your pants won’t get too tight if you don’t wear any.
38. The most annoying are those people in exceptionally good shape at the gym. I’m like, “What are you doing here?
39. I’m going to open up a low carb bakery and I’m going to call it No Bun Intended.
40. I know it’s three meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?
41. Why spend $80 on a swimsuit when you can buy 320 chicken nuggets.
42. Have you heard of the garlic diet?
You don’t lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
43. Things just aren’t going to work out between us. It’s not you, it’s me. You are tasteless, boring, and I can’t stop cheating on you.
44. I’m on day 2 of a “diet” which means I’m always one minor annoyance away from eating every single person in my office.
45. What do a diet and social distancing have in common?
Both flatten the curve.
46. Every time I make plans to eat better, I can hear my stomach laughing.
47. What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea?
A salad shooter.
48. If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?
49. Every time I start a diet I hear the Mission Impossible theme song in my head.