1. “Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”
“Yes, of course.”
“Great! I never could before!”
2. Man: “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
Doctor: “Is this her first child?”
Man: “No, you idiot! This is her husband!”
3. I went to the doctor, and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?
4. How many doctors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
5. Why did the grasshopper go to the doctor?
He kept feeling jumpy.
6. Patient: “Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.”
Doctor: “Sit down and don’t stir.”
7. Who do you call when you need a doctor immediately?
The nearest golf course.
8. Doctor: “You are very sick.”
Patient: “Can I get a second opinion?”
Doctor: “Yes, of course! You are very ugly too.”
9. Did you hear about the guy who lost his whole left side?
He’s all right now!
10. What don’t you want to hear in the middle of surgery?
“Where’s my watch?”
11. Why did the mattress go to the doctor?
It had spring fever.
12. Why did the doctor tell the nurses to be quiet when walking past the medicine cabinet?
So they wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills!
13. Does an apple a day keep the doctor away?
Only if you aim it well enough.
14. Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
15. Doctor: “Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed 10 quarters last night?”
Nurse: “No change yet.”
16. What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
“Get dressed up — the doctor is taking us out!”
17. Patient: “I always see spots before my eyes.”
Doctor: “Didn’t the new glasses help?”
Patient: “Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.”
18. What did the doctor say to the rocket ship?
“Time to get your booster shot!”
19. Husband: “The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.”
Wife: “And did he?”
Husband: “Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill.”
20. Patient: “Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.”
Doctor: “How do you feel?”
Patient: “A little down in the mouth.”
21. Patient: “Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up a point or more?”
22. Why did the Dalmatian go to the eye doctor?
He kept seeing spots.
23. Patient: “Someone decided to graffiti my house last night!”
Doctor: “So why are you telling me?”
Patient: “I can’t understand the writing. Was it you?”
24. Why did the rope go to the doctor?
It had a knot in its stomach.
25. What did the doctor prescribe to the man who couldn’t stop breaking wind?
26. Doctor, I’m hearing a ringing sound?
Then answer the phone.
27. Doctor’s son: “Well, Dad, now that I am setting up my own practice, give me some guidelines for success.”
Doctor’s father: “Always write your prescriptions illegibly and your bills legibly.”
28. Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I think I am losing my memory!”
Doctor: “When did that happen?”
Patient: “When did what happen?”
29. Secretary: “Doctor, there’s a patient on line one who says he’s invisible.”
Doctor: “Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”
30. Why did the bucket go to the doctor?
He had a pail face.
31. Patient: “Doctor, tell me how I can repay you for your kindness.”
Doctor: “You can pay by cash, check, or money order.”
32. What do you call a doctor who fixes websites?
33. When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
34. Why did Dracula go to the doctor?
He couldn’t stop coffin!
35. Where do sick boats go to get healthy?
To the dock!
36. Why is a doctor always calm?
They have a lot of patients.
37. I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places.
She told me to stop going to those places.
38. Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I stood on a LEGO!”
Doctor: “Try to block out the pain.”
39. Why did the robot go to the doctor?
She had a virus!
40. Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I’m going to die in 59 seconds!”
Doctor: “Hang on, I’ll be there in a minute.”
41. What did the balloon say to the doctor?
“I feel light-headed.”
42. A skeleton went to the doctor.
The doctor looked at the skeleton and said, “Aren’t you a little late?”
43. I went to the doctor this morning and said, “I’ve swallowed a golf ball.”
The doctor said, “Yes, I can see it’s gone down a fairway.”
44. Why do surgeons wear masks?
So no one will recognize them when they make a mistake.
45. Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I’ve got a strawberry stuck in my ear!”
Doctor: “Don’t worry, I have some cream for that.”
46. Why did the witch go to the doctor?
She had a dizzy spell.
47. Why did Santa’s helper see the doctor?
He had low elf esteem.
48. Why did the doctor take a red pen to work?
In case, she wanted to draw blood!
49. How do you know your doctor is a vampire?
He draws your blood from your neck with a straw!