1. The Fake Noodle
What do you call a fake noodle?
2. When does a joke turn into a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
3. My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
4. The Problem With Atoms
Why can’t you trust atoms?
They make up everything.
5. Can one bird make a pun?
No, but toucan.
6. Why did the town chase out the dead drifter?
Because he was a deadbeat.
7. The Bottom of the Sea
What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
8. When is a door not a door?
When it’s ajar.
9. What is a dead man’s favorite magazine?
10. The Driving Dino
What do you call a dinosaur that crashes his car?
11. Why wasn’t the letter delivered?
It was stationery.
12. Why was the dead man happy to be sentenced during his trial?
Because they gave him life.
13. The Shy Farts
What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A private tutor.
14. Why did the traffic light turn red?
It had to change in the middle of the street.
15. Why should you stand in the corner if you get cold?
It’s always 90 degrees.
16. How do you make a pirate furious?
Take away the p.
17. The Virtues of Switzerland
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
18. How can you tell when a bike is thinking?
Their wheels are turning.
19. Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
20. How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Need to know ASAP.
21. A Match Made in Heaven
Who did the zombie take to the dance?
22. What events do spiders love to attend?
23. What do you mean, I didn’t win?
I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
24. Tiny Beaches
What washes up on really small beaches?
25. Cold Vampires
What can you catch from a vampire in winter-time?
26. Ghost Beverages
What do ghosts like to drink the most?
27. Rich Elves
What do you call a rich elf?
28. The Astronaut’s Baby
How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
29. Tooth Time
What time is it when you have to go to the dentist?
30. Smarter Than a Parrot
What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?
A spelling bee.
31. Octopus Laughs
How do you make an octopus laugh?
32. Clashing Colors
What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea?
Their crews were marooned.
33. Broken Boomerangs
What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
34. Giant Talk
How do you talk to giants?
Use big words!
35. Artichoke Fatality
How do you make an artichoke?
You strangle it.
36. The Bashful Tomato
Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing.
37. The Scared Skeleton
Why was the skeleton afraid of the storm?
He didn’t have any guts.
38. Writing Hands
Which hand is better to write with?
Neither, it’s better to write with a pen.
39. The Sad Math Book
Why did the math book look so sad?
Because of all its problems.
40. The Cool ’Shrooms
Why do mushrooms get invited to all the parties?
Because they’re such fungis!
41. Plate Whisperer
What did one plate whisper to the other plate?
Dinner is on me.
42. The Holy Water
How do you make holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
43. Sized Right
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!
44. Why did the kid throw a stick of butter out the window?
To see butter-fly.
45. What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
46. Where did the computer go dancing?
47. What street do ghosts haunt?
48. What do you give a sick lemon?
49. What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?