Husband was watching the dog sleep. Suddenly, the wife came and reminded him that he never look at her wife like that. Only married people will understand these hilarious marriage tweets from husbands.
My son loves being called “my first born”. My wife HATES being called “my first wife”. I must remember to keep that straight. #Marriedlife
— Mike Norman (@altruist7717) December 12, 2017
Waiting for him to figure out why I’m upset pic.twitter.com/5ChPGXzHQ0
— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) August 17, 2016
My wife just accused me of purchasing the bad kind of broccoli. I was pretty sure that was implied when she asked me to buy broccoli.#MarriedLife
— TwinzerDad (@TwinzerDad) December 17, 2017
Marriage is mostly about knowing which hand towels you can use and which ones are for the better people who visit your wife’s home.
— Troy Johnson (@_troyjohnson) May 28, 2015
It’s Friday night, so my wife and I drank wine and talked politics.
We had a 20 minute argument over brands of toilet paper.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 6, 2016
My husband is deadass changing our online banking password til after Christmas so I can’t look at the statements and see where my presents came from 😂😩 That’s dedication #MarriedLife #MerryChristmas #christmas
— eri p (@eripryor) December 14, 2017
[Watching the dog sleep]
Wife: Why don’t you ever look at me like that?
— Downtime Dad (@DowntimeDad) July 9, 2016
keeping our marriage fresh/exciting via texts pic.twitter.com/XB3dktiSnA
— Jeff Lyons (@usedwigs) January 16, 2016
“I probably have the least amount of pimples of anyone you know.”
-How I flirt with my husband to keep the magic alive#marriedlife
— 🎄♥️ Marissa 💚🎄 (@michimama75) December 15, 2017
When you’re married, 90% of a Friday night is asking “Do we have to go to this?”
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) November 5, 2016
The fact that my wife didn’t pack up my twin toddlers and make the hour drive at 6:30 am to pick me up from my return flight from the Hawaiian trip she didn’t get to go on really makes me question how committed she is to this relationship.#MarriedLife
— TwinzerDad (@TwinzerDad) December 9, 2017
My wife and I disagree about when the proper time to open Stockings is. Yet we still make it work. Mostly because I’ve compromised and done it her way while accepting that she is fundamentally wrong. #Marriedlife
— TwinzerDad (@TwinzerDad) December 12, 2017
Not to brag, but my husband just came back from shopping for my birthday gift, and he was carrying a Rite Aid bag.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) September 30, 2016
Wife: You know what sounds good? Fountain pops!
Me: Yeah, but I don’t really want one that bad.
Anyway, I’m off to go get fountain pops. #MarriedLife
— Nathan Fletcher (@fletcher0854) December 10, 2017
— Ranibow Sprimkle ™️ (@Muffin_Chips) December 18, 2017
wife: Do you think you’ll ever stop quoting “Gangsta’s Paradise”?
me: The way things are going I don’t know
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) January 21, 2015
It really turns me on when husbters takes initiative and updates our shared Google Doc #MarriedLife
— ~ e 🔥🎄🔥 (@PurpleKibby) December 7, 2017
When the “thunder” is so loud it scares you and wakes you up…then realize it’s just your husband snoring 🙃 #MarriedLife
— Anna Williams (@annaE_125) December 17, 2017
“5 years ago i married my best friend, my soulmate, i love you”
“eat all the leftovers again and i will end you”
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) October 5, 2016
— Carlos Brodit (@cbrodit) December 6, 2017
Hubby has lost his hat, he knows I didn’t like it so I am now the prime suspect in deliberately losing it, I tolerated the monstrosity for over a year #MarriedLife
— Dr EM (@PankhurstEM) December 17, 2017
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
— keith (@tchrquotes) February 28, 2015
Legit trying to wrap these presents as quick as I can to avoid criticism from Ally. She already walked in once and said, “ARE YOU SERIOUS??” #marriedlife
— Julie Blonien (@FYCF_Feevah) December 16, 2017
Husband: Would you like to go to dinner with me tonight?
Me: Like a real date where we leave the house…together…without the baby?
Me: As long as I don’t have to wear real pants. #marriedlife
— Jenny Nordbak (@JennyNordbak) December 6, 2017
I can hear the desire burning in my husband’s voice as he purrs into the phone’s receiver, “Yes. Yes, I will upgrade to the stuffed crust.”#SunWIP #amwriting #WIP#MarriedLife #wifelife#wifie #humor #pizza
— K Kibbee HAS A NEW BOOK OUT! (@K_Kibbee) December 17, 2017