1. “The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
– Bill Murray
2. “A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths”
– Steven Wright
3. Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.
– Bill Murray
4. “I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
5. “I’d like to live like a poor man – only with lots of money.”
6. “I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.”
7. “My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.”
– Joan Rivers
8. “Food is like sex: When you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good.”
– Beth McCollister
9. “What a nice night for an evening.”
– Steven Wright
10. “You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go.”
– Bill Watterson
11. “Well, don’t expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.”
12. “You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named “Bush”, “Dick”, and “Colin.” Need I say more?”
13. “Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”
14. “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”
15. “The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”
16. “What the hell is that?” I laughed.
“It’s my fox hat.”
“Your fox hat?”
“Yeah, Pudge. My fox hat.”
“Why are you wearing your fox hat?” I asked.
“Because no one can catch the motherfucking fox.”
17. “Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.”
18. “I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
19. “It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.”
20. “They love their hair because they’re not smart enough to love something more interesting.”
21. “Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.”
22. “When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.”
23. “Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.”
24. “A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
25. “It’s not because I want to make out with her.”
Hold on.” He grabbed a pencil and scrawled excitedly at the paper as if he’d just made a mathematical breakthrough and then looked back up at me. “I just did some calculations, and I’ve been able to determine that you’re full of shit”
26. “If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?”
27. “I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
28. “That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”
29. “I thought I’d lie on the floor and writhe in pain for a while,” he grunted, “It relaxes me.”
“It does? Oh – you’re being sarcastic. That’s a good sign probably.”
30. “A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it’s the stupid ones who need advice.”
31. “I’m going to wake Peeta,” I say.
“No, wait,” says Finnick. “Let’s do it together. Put our faces right in front of his.”
Well, there’s so little opportunity for fun left in my life, I agree. We position ourselves on either side of Peeta, lean over until our faces are inches frim his nose, and give him a shake. “Peeta. Peeta, wake up,” I say in a soft, singsong voice.
His eyelids flutter open and then he jumps like we’ve stabbed him. “Aa!”
Finnick and I fall back in the sand, laughing our heads off. Every time we try to stop, we look at Peeta’s attempt to maintain a disdainful expression and it sets us off again.”
32. “Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.”
33. “Did you see that dress?’ “I saw the dress.’ “Did you like it?’ He didn’t answer. I took that as a yes. “Am I going to endanger my reputation if I wear it to the dance?’ When he spoke, I could barely hear him. “You’ll endanger the school.’ I smiled and fell asleep.”
34. “Headline?” he asked.
“‘Swing Set Needs Home,'” I said.
“‘Desperately Lonely Swing Set Needs Loving Home,'” he said.
“‘Lonely, Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Set Seeks the Butts of Children,'” I said.”
35. “If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”
36. “Can you surf really well, then?”
I looked at Grover, who was trying hard not to laugh.
“Jeez, Nico,” I said. “I’ve never really tried.”
He went on asking questions. Did I fight a lot with Thalia, since she was a daughter of Zeus? (I didn’t answer that one.) If Annabeth’s mother was Athena, the goddess of wisdom, then why didn’t Annabeth know better than to fall off a cliff? (I tried not to strangle Nico for asking that one.) Was Annabeth my girlfriend? (At this point, I was ready to stick the kid in a meat-flavored sack and throw him to the wolves.)”
37. “Damn, Claire. Warn a guy before you do a face-plant on the floor next time. I could have looked all heroic and caught you or something -Shane”
38. “Um…is that thing tame?” Frank said.
The horse whinnied angrily.
“I don’t think so,” Percy guessed. “He just said, ‘I will trample you to death, silly Chinese Canadian baby man’.”
39. “I’ve been fighting to be who I am all my life. What’s the point of being who I am, if I can’t have the person who was worth all the fighting for?”
40. “Can you be a girl for a few seconds?”
“I’m always a girl” I frown.
“You know what I mean. Like a silly, annoying girl”
I twirl my hair around my finger. “Kay.”
41. “I don’t hate you.. I just don’t like that you exist”
42. “Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
43. “But Dumbledore says he doesn’t care what they do as long as they don’t take him off the Chocolate Frog cards.”
44. “What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
45. “She’s strong! And scary…I bet she’s single…I’d put money on it..”