50 Most Humorous Quotes You Will Read Ever

Humorous Quotes_1

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”

-Steve Martin

“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”

-Robert A. Heinlein

“I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”

-Woody Allen

“The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.”

-Terry Pratchett

“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ”

-W.C. Fields

“Remember, we’re madly in love, so it’s all right to kiss me anytime you feel like it.”

-Suzanne Collins

“Have you ever noticed how What the hell is always the right decision to make?”

-Terry Johnson

“The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they’re ok, then it’s you.”

-Rita Mae Brown

“Give a man a fire and he’s warm for a day, but set fire to him and he’s warm for the rest of his life.”

-Terry Pratchett

“Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying ‘End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH’, the paint wouldn’t even have time to dry.”

-Terry Pratchett

Humorous Quotes_2

“Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they make a good excuse.”

-Thomas Szasz

“I might be in love with you.” He smiles a little. “I’m waiting until I’m sure to tell you, though.”

-Veronica Roth

“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.”

-W.C. Fields

“So please, oh please, we beg, we pray,
Go throw your TV set away,
And in its place you can install
A lovely bookshelf on the wall.
Then fill the shelves with lots of books.”

-Roald Dahl

“I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.”

-Woody Allen

“It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it’s called Life.”

-Terry Pratchett

“My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.”

-Winston S. Churchill

“Deadlines just aren’t real to me until I’m staring one in the face.”

-Rick Riordan

“Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one.”

-Terry Pratchett

“Only a true best friend can protect you from your immortal enemies.”

-Richelle Mead

Humorous Quotes_3

“Tell the truth, or someone will tell it for you.”

-Stephanie Klein

“If cats looked like frogs we’d realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are. Style. That’s what people remember.”

-Terry Pratchett

“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”

-A.A. Milne

“Despite my ghoulish reputation, I really have the heart of a small boy. I keep it in a jar on my desk.”

-Robert Bloch

“Do your thing and don’t care if they like it.”

-Tina Fey

“History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.”

-Winston S. Churchill

“I love you like a fat kid loves cake!”

-Scott Adams

“You here to finish me off, Sweetheart?”

-Suzanne Collins

“Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you.”

-Terry Pratchett

“Yes, frosting. The final defense of the dying.”

-Suzanne Collins

Humorous Quotes_4

“Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.”

-Will Rogers

“Every now and then I like to do as I’m told, just to confuse people.”

-Tamora Pierce

“It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets.”

-Voltaire

“A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.”

-Phyllis Diller

“In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.”

-Terry Pratchett

“Some people have a way with words, and other people…oh, uh, not have way.”

-Steve Martin

“Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee
And I’ll forgive Thy great big one on me.”

-Robert Frost

“What’s up?” I asked.

You tell me,” he said. “You were the one about ready to start making out with Adrian.”

It was an experiment,” I said. “It was part of my therapy.”

What the hell kind of therapy are you in?”

-Richelle Mead

“Why do people say “grow some balls”? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.”

-Sheng Wang

“You deal with mythological stuff for a few years, you learn that paradises are usually places where you get killed.”

-Rick Riordan

Humorous Quotes_6

“DON’T THINK OF IT AS DYING, said Death. JUST THINK OF IT AS LEAVING EARLY TO AVOID THE RUSH.”

-Terry Pratchett

“Of course motivation is not permanent. But then, neither is bathing; but it is something you should do on a regular basis.”

-Zig Ziglar

“It’s hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.”

-Rick Riordan

“It crosses my mind that Cinna’s calm and normal demeanor masks a complete madman.”

-Suzanne Collins

“Can you be a girl for a few seconds?”
“I’m always a girl” I frown.
“You know what I mean. Like a silly, annoying girl”
I twirl my hair around my finger. “Kay.”

-Veronica Roth

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!

— Billy Connolly

“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”

– A. A. Milne

“The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”

– Abraham Lincoln

“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”

– Alan Dundes

“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.”

 

– Albert Einstein

 

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