50 Most Humorous Quotes You Will Read Ever

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1. “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”-Steve Martin


2. “Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”-Robert A. Heinlein


3. “I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”-Woody Allen


4. “The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.”-Terry Pratchett


5. “I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ”-W.C. Fields


6. “Remember, we’re madly in love, so it’s all right to kiss me anytime you feel like it.”-Suzanne Collins


7. “Have you ever noticed how What the hell is always the right decision to make?”-Terry Johnson


8. “The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they’re ok, then it’s you.”-Rita Mae Brown


9. “Give a man a fire and he’s warm for a day, but set fire to him and he’s warm for the rest of his life.”-Terry Pratchett


10. “Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying ‘End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH’, the paint wouldn’t even have time to dry.”-Terry Pratchett


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11. “Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they make a good excuse.”-Thomas Szasz


12. “I might be in love with you.” He smiles a little. “I’m waiting until I’m sure to tell you, though.”-Veronica Roth


13. “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.”-W.C. Fields


14. “So please, oh please, we beg, we pray, Go throw your TV set away, And in its place you can install A lovely bookshelf on the wall. Then fill the shelves with lots of books.”-Roald Dahl


15.  “I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.”-Woody Allen


16. “It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it’s called Life.”-Terry Pratchett


17. “My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.”-Winston S. Churchill


18. “Deadlines just aren’t real to me until I’m staring one in the face.”-Rick Riordan


19. “Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one.”-Terry Pratchett


20. “Only a true best friend can protect you from your immortal enemies.”-Richelle Mead


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21. “Tell the truth, or someone will tell it for you.”-Stephanie Klein


22. “If cats looked like frogs we’d realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are. Style. That’s what people remember.”-Terry Pratchett


23. “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”-A.A. Milne


24. “Despite my ghoulish reputation, I really have the heart of a small boy. I keep it in a jar on my desk.”-Robert Bloch


25. “Do your thing and don’t care if they like it.”-Tina Fey


26. History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.”-Winston S. Churchill


27. “I love you like a fat kid loves cake!”-Scott Adams


28. “You here to finish me off, Sweetheart?”-Suzanne Collins


29. “Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you.”-Terry Pratchett


30. “Yes, frosting. The final defense of the dying.”-Suzanne Collins


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31. “Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.”-Will Rogers


32. “Every now and then I like to do as I’m told, just to confuse people.”-Tamora Pierce


33.“It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets.”-Voltaire


34. “A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.”-Phyllis Diller


35. “In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.”-Terry Pratchett


36. “Some people have a way with words, and other people…oh, uh, not have way.”-Steve Martin


37. “Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee and I’ll forgive Thy great big one on me.”-Robert Frost


38. “What’s up?” I asked. You tell me,” he said. “You were the one about ready to start making out with Adrian.”It was an experiment,” I said. “It was part of my therapy.”What the hell kind of therapy are you in?”-Richelle Mead


39. “Why do people say “grow some balls”? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.”-Sheng Wang


40. “You deal with mythological stuff for a few years, you learn that paradises are usually places where you get killed.”-Rick Riordan


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42. “Of course motivation is not permanent. But then, neither is bathing; but it is something you should do on a regular basis.”-Zig Ziglar


43. “It’s hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.”-Rick Riordan


44.“It crosses my mind that Cinna’s calm and normal demeanor masks a complete madman.”-Suzanne Collins


45. “Can you be a girl for a few seconds?” “I’m always a girl” I frown.”You know what I mean. Like a silly, annoying girl”.I twirl my hair around my finger. “Kay.”-Veronica Roth


46. Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!— Billy Connolly


47. “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”– A. A. Milne


48. “The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.”– Abraham Lincoln


49. “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”– Alan Dundes


50. “Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.”– Albert Einstein


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