“Turning a guy on is not hard. Men are always up for a bit of sex, wandering the world in a semi-aroused state at all times, just looking for a lucky gal to be the recipient of their god-like prowess. That is the truth, right?”
Good morning hypothetical reader, and what are you doing in my head again? Especially talking complete and utter balls. Most guys, once they settle down, are like cars with a dodgy choke*.
A relationship coach and editor of Loveawake dating site by the name of Alex Wise sent over these tips via his publicist.
We typically don’t reprint third-party articles, and we are certainly not endorsing this guy since we don’t know him, but his advice seemed pretty cool these days.
How To Turn A Guy On
Lingerie Makes Him Linger
“I knew you were gonna say that first.”
Something doesn’t become false because it is a cliche. One of the constant questions we get is about lingerie. Is it worth it? The answer, according to a very unscientific survey of harried** guys is a resounding “Hell YES!!”
Lingerie appeals to the visual aspect of the male sex drive, by shaping, concealing, and revealling in an unexpected way, while also giving us the challenge of getting you out of it. Men are relatively simple creatures – if it looks decent, they’ll screw it. If it doesn’t, they’ll screw it anyway, then feel bad about themselves. Do you really want him to feel bad? What sort of a horrible person are you?
For women, the appeal is in the self-confidence of looking and feeling good, and being able to lead a man round by his massively extended …. eyeballs. The fun of slowly and gently unwrapping a pretty package isn’t just confined to Christmas and birthdays anymore. Or at least it shouldn’t be.
Turn A Guy On Physically
“What? You want us to fight?”
Quick – think about the best sex you ever had. If a bout of makeup sex after a huge fight isn’t high on your list, even above the time you had sex on the bus in the middle of rush-hour***, you have never been in a serious relationship. Everyone knows about the fight or flight response. Either try to kill or run like hell. Nice binary choice, simple enough for even a male to understand, or so you would think. You’d be wrong.
Guys often get their wires crossed, meaning the fight response goes straight to the groin. I think we may need to add another F here. While your weapon of choice may not be 6 inches (average, 10 inches if you are blessed by the Sex Gods) of tumescent flesh, for most guys it is. Akin to the cat peeing on your furniture, it is a way for guys to lay out their dominance in the relationship again while giving you a most satisfactory lay.
Turn Him On And Leave Him Hanging
“What, like spank him?”
No, that goes in the section above. You even paying attention here? Unlike this true trailer park prince, most guys are pretty down with their lady playing solo games with Electric Mayhem while they take a breather. Flesh and blood doesn’t have the staying power of plastic and metal, after all, and in our heart of hearts, we admit that.
Part of it is the visual thing. Watching the woman we love getting off is sexy as hell. Actually watching any woman get off is sexy. We don’t watch porn for the guy finishing. But mostly, it is fear.
Female sexuality is a little bit frightening for guys. While for guys sex is, to quote a friend who prefers the other side of the street, “Bang, Bang, Splurt, Snore,” gals are never so willing and eager for sex as when they just have had a brain-melting orgasm.
We know this. We feel inadequate. Since even the most dedicated coxman has a recharge time of several minutes, by the time we are ready for round two, you have usually cooled off again and started grumbling about the wet patch.
Romance Him To Stone
“Wait, frigging ROMANCE? Thought we were talking about turning guys on here!”
We are, dimwit. I know it is easy to forget, but guys are human too. They like to be cherished. Cuddled. Petted and made much of, to make them forget just how insignificant they are. You know – romanced. That shit you gals like, with the flowers, surprises, and neck-rubs? Guys go for that too, though they’ll not admit it for fear of looking like a soppy wuss. A bit like not admitting to liking silly stuff, we guys don’t admit to liking being romanced. But we do. Secretly.
The quickest way to romance a guy is to feed him, with yourself as dessert, if you hadn’t already worked that out.
Squee With Glee
“That is a really dumb heading.”
Yeah, I know. Worked though, didn’t it? It caught your attention. Like you need to catch ours. It, not that guys are easily distracted …. OHHHH SHINY!!!! Must chase. So pretty!!!
You get the idea? Your guy ain’t gonna turn on to turning you on if he has tuned you out. And tuning gals out is something we guys are total champions at. We have had a lot of practice.
How To Turn Him On Without Being Obvious
“Lame!!!”
You know jack, hypothetical reader, which is possibly why you are here. By far the easiest way to turn us guys on is to be happy and to show it. Don’t clap your hands though, that is just silly, though it makes us giggle.
A happy woman is a sexy woman. Every other consideration fades before the fact that you are happy with yourself. Instant viagra for us – and even more pleasure for you.
To let you in on a small secret – Guys hate problems. You give us a problem, we feel compelled to solve it. To the exclusion of everything else, including sex and sometimes food.
“Do all of these actually work, or are you just pulling our chains here?”
How the hell am I supposed to know – I never tried to turn a guy on in my life. They certainly won’t hurt. What, you expected me to break the bro code and give you ammunition? In your dreams.
Now, your constant provocation has turned me on. Shall we tango?
* For the none mechanically minded, the choke is an addition – frequently automatic – to the carburettor that allows the engine to start in cold weather by reducing airflow, making the fuel air mix richer in fuel. Knowlege is power, as Gadgetboy says, and yeah, I am boring.
** Best typo ever
*** Everyone has done that, right?
